Musings on Anxiety and Decision-Making
In today’s world, we are confronted with an overwhelming amount of information to seemingly help us make the “best,” or at least the “most informed,” decision possible regarding the choices we are faced with throughout pregnancy and postpartum. Lists of “must-haves” for each stage of baby’s development span to the end of the internet. Anyone who’s had a baby realizes that there are remarkably few “must-haves” in the early postpartum period and all the other “good-to-haves” are quite contingent upon your baby, your birth, and your postpartum circumstances, most of which are completely out of your control.
Unfortunately, in the throes of pregnancy and postpartum, it is nearly impossible to sift through all the information, while battling sleep deprivation, sore nipples, and the anxiety of whether your baby’s heart is still beating, in order to make “the best” decision about anything, including what to eat for lunch.
The thing about decisions is that one can never know whether a decision is “good” or “bad” or “right” or “wrong” before they make the decision.
The evaluation of a decision is based on the outcomes, and our perception of those outcomes.
For example, you may be thrilled to be offered a position with your dream organization- a goal you have been working toward for your entire career. However, six months into the job you come to find that your earlier perception of your role and the organization is not what you expected. With this new information, you are now faced with another decision- stay or leave? Perhaps your expectations of the company may not be met, but you now have greater benefits, such as increased flexibility or better healthcare, and now you can take better care of your family.
Was the decision to take this job “good” or “bad”?
Was it the “right” decision or the “wrong
decision?
All we can do is make decisions based on the information we currently have available. There are no guarantees for the future. In parenting, we are sold so much, too much, information. However, the decision to become a parent is not a “head” decision; it’s a “heart” decision. We must be selective about gathering information from sources we trust. We must learn to trust our intuitions, and use our voices, to make the decisions that feel right for us and our families at any given time, knowing that there are other times when different paths may be taken.
Through my own parenting experiences (hello, having a <2yo in March 2020!) and the work I’ve put in to heal past traumas and grapple with past decisions, I’m learning to trust my own heart, gut, and voice. When you work with me, you can rest assured that:
I am here to listen and hold space for your story, wherever you may be in your perinatal journey, no judgments.
The decisions you make are the right ones for your family, as you know yourself and your baby best.
I am here to validate your experiences and your choices, offering suggestions or strategies, based on my knowledge and experiences.
To the mom who’s reading this at 2am, playing scenes over and over in her head, wondering what more you could have or should have done, or just wondering why this is so hard,
know that you are Enough.
You have everything you need within yourself to be the best mother to your baby, and your baby is not expecting perfection. Parenting is a long game and a series of continuous decisions that need to be made. Do not burn yourself out evaluating the “goodness” of a decision before you make it. Have the confidence within yourself to know that if a decision is not right for your family, you have the strength within yourself to pivot and find the decision that feels better.
Let’s work together to do away with the unnecessary and unhelpful anxieties, judgments, stress, and pressures we pile on ourselves. Let’s work together to embrace a more relaxed, confident, and joy-filled motherhood experience, starting with ourselves, and expanding into our Villages.
Pampering vs. Policing
Yesterday, I spent a solo day at a spa. My husband got me a giftcard for my birthday and it only took me 7+ months to go and use it. I had been feeling stretched thin after a week of solo parenting and the general exhaustion of being a mother of two with a full-time job + side hustle. I've been trying to prioritize small changes that lead to a big impact, such as trying my hardest to get closer to 8 hours of sleep with more consistency, going to the gym twice a week, and not drinking alcohol on weeknights. When I'm able to maintain these routines, I feel much more energized, calm, and happier. However, when I have weeks that are busier and I'm not able to stick with this criteria, then my life falls apart, right? Wrong. Sure, I'm more tired, and perhaps more snippy with my husband/kids, but... life keeps moving. I try to get to bed early the next night, make it to the gym when I feel up for it, and I'm learning to repair with my family and myself. I'm learning to not beat myself up over these standards that I set for myself.
Yesterday I needed a day alone to recharge. I needed this full day away from my family and Saturday responsibilities because modern parenting leaves so little room for balance. With two parents working outside the home, we are juggling 3 full-time jobs, given that managing a household is a full-time job of its own. This means that even on our best weeks, we are juggling a steady stream of meals, dishes, cleanup, bedtimes, bath times, school prep, extra curriculars, kid injuries, kid emotions, our own emotions, dog walking, and of course, laundry. There will always be laundry, in addition to our paid work responsibilities.
I know that if you're reading this, I'm probably preaching to the choir. But, why does it feel like our society is just continuing to move in this unsustainable direction? This week, I attended a Zoom session lead by two amazing women and moms on just this topic. It was called "The Great (Re)balancing Act." One thing that Randi Braun, CEO of Something Major, shared that really stuck with me is this idea of whether we are pampering or policing, when it comes to our self-care routines. WOW. I started this blog post sharing how I've been trying to establish better routines and habits for myself to promote success. Sure, more sleep, less drinking, and going to the gym are great things to do, but when I attach the "should" to those things, is where the guilt sets it. I feel guilty for paying for a gym membership if I don't use it at least two times a week. I feel guilty if I "treat" myself to a beer while cooking dinner. And I felt guilty yesterday, spending money and missing out on a whole day with my family.
I'm not sure where I was going when I started this post, but I think where I landed is that sometimes we need to zoom out. The daily and weekly routines help us get thru each week, but that doesn't mean we won't need breaks or that we won't ever need a reset. My spa day wasn't just an escape; it was a chance to reconnect with myself, to find a quietness that's often elusive in my daily life.
Early parenthood is hard. Finding balance is a constant work in progress.
This is where I come in.
If you're feeling overwhelmed, stretched thin, and longing for a partner who gets it, I'm here. I understand the unique challenges of modern life, the constant juggling act, and the importance of prioritizing your well-being.
When you work with me, you'll get:
* Empathy and Understanding: I've been there. I know what it's like to feel like you're running on empty.
* Problem-Solving Skills: I'm not just here to listen; I'm here to help you find practical solutions and strategies to create more balance in your life.
* Resources to Protect and Promote Your Mental, Emotional, and Physical Health: I can connect you with the tools and support you need to thrive, not just survive.
Let's work together to create a life that feels sustainable, fulfilling, and yours.
Why me?
If someone has a major medical event, such as a stroke, heart attack, or gets in a car accident, the occupational therapist will work with them to rehabilitate toward their personal goals. These goals may be related to self-care and independence, or they may be tied to rituals or routines that are meaningful to them. These rituals may seem “small,” such as their morning routine and how they make their coffee and breakfast. They could be “large” such as hosting Thanksgiving at their home each year. Whether the tasks are “small” or “large,” they contain meaning to the client.
These rituals are what ground us and help us connect to who we are.
Birth is also a major event, and often involves medical intervention. If we reframe birth to consider it from this lens, we realize how dramatic and impactful the experience of birth truly is. Many expectant mothers in modern society have established meaningful careers and work outside the home until the day they give birth. From the moment their child is born, life turns upside down. The parents have brand new roles and responsibilities, for which they received no real training, or even exposure. Their routines are at the mercy of the baby’s feeding and sleeping schedule and that lovely morning transition time you used to have to drink your coffee and make your breakfast is no more.
This experience is just as jarring as coming home from the hospital after a major medical event and not being able to engage in your routines, habits, and self-care the way you used to. In fact, it’s harder, because you also have a helpless little being you must tend to 24/7.
Add to that: your own recovery from birth (whether vaginal or cesarean), feeding (the baby and yourself), sleep deprivation, PMADs, social isolation, and the list goes on.
Occupational therapists understand that we are a product of our physical, emotional, mental, and environmental well-being. We utilize a variety of models and frameworks, as well as our therapeutic listening skills, when interviewing our clients and generating their occupational profiles.
OT’s goals are the client’s goals:
to feel like themselves again
to reengage in their meaningful routines, rituals, and hobbies
to have alone time, social time, and time to connect with their partners
to feel confident in their skills as a parent when taking care of their baby
What are your goals for yourself? How can working with an OT support you attain those goals?
Find out today when you schedule your free 15-minute consultation!
Setting up your environment for success
I was recently asked to share a list of OT suggestions related to setting up your home environment for success when welcoming baby home. The following list of suggestions are not in any particular order of importance. Hope you find them helpful!
• If keeping newborn in your room, put bassinet on partner’s side of room so they can pick up and change the baby before bringing baby to you for feeding (or feeding baby themselves).
• Ensure you have a safe space to put baby down for naps during the day in multiple locations around your home, such as having a bassinet on the main floor of your house to avoid having to go up and down stairs. This is especially important if you have a c-section.
• Setup multiple changing stations in your home, on each floor if living in a multi-level house.
• Each changing station should have diapers, wipes, diaper rash ointment, changes of clothes for baby, change of clothes for you. Optional: keep extra bibs, baby blankets, changing pads, and burp clothes in this location to keep everything in one place.
• Have your partner check and restock these stations every couple of days to ensure you have what you need during the day.
• Keep all items at waist/hip level to minimize reaching and bending when changing your baby.
• Avoid hunching over to change baby, pick up baby, or feed baby. Bend with your knees!
• Prevent De Quervain's tenosynovitis i.e. “mommy’s thumb” by keeping your thumbs next to your palms and support baby with one hand under their bottom and one hand on their neck/back. Do not make an “L” shape with your hands to scoop baby under their armpits, as this can cause strain on your wrists and thumbs.
• Keep multiple pillows and folding foot stools nearby for ergonomic support when feeding.
• Aim to keep your neck and shoulders in a neutral position. Avoid hiking up your shoulder toward your ear as you support baby in your arms.
• Your back should be supported by pillows/cushions, so you are sitting upright or leaning slightly back in a relaxed position and not hunched over.
• Keep your hips flexed and knees bent at 90 degrees, using a footstool if needed. Bring baby to you, do not lean forward to feed baby!
• Keep high protein snacks and a large water bottle with a straw near your feeding stations so you can eat and hydrate while baby does!
• Cue up tv shows, podcasts, or audiobooks to entertain you and help you relax. Limit scrolling the internet and social media as much as you can.
• Put down receiving blankets/baby blankets on every surface you put your baby down on.
• This will reduce your baby coming into contact with other allergens (body fluids, pet hair, dust, etc.)
• It will also protect your bedding/furniture/rugs from baby messes and make clean up much easier!
• Keep multiple changing pads/diaper bags ready by the door or in your stroller or car, so you’re not scrambling to get diapers & wipes as you leave the house.
• Put a changing pad, a pack of wipes, a few diapers, and a change of clothes in a wet bag by the door for easy grabbing!
Finding Balance
Welcome to my very first blog post and thank you for stopping by! I come to you feeling refreshed and rejuvenated off the heels of an 11-day vacation abroad with my hubby. We are celebrating our 10th anniversary this summer and used this as an excuse to take a real vacation without the kiddos. I highly encourage you to consider leaving the kids behind for an adults-only trip, if you get the chance… I came home and the bags under my eyes had disappeared!! 😱
The theme for this first post is something I have been contemplating for some time now, as I approach 10 years of marriage. We often talk about how to achieve equality in our relationships, but perhaps we should be seeking balance in our lives instead. Oh, balance…that elusive thing that doesn’t seem to exist in our modern society. We speak of “work-life balance,” which I don’t believe is attainable with a 5-day workweek and 2-day weekend. So, we continue to chase something that just feels out of reach and then feel frustrated when we don’t attain that thing.
But what if we were able to make small changes that could have a big impact? After having my first child, I poured myself headfirst into being a do-it-all working mom and my expectations of myself were unrealistically high (hello, first-born Asian daughter 🙄). Even in trying to do things that I wanted to do that would help me manage stress, such as doing yoga or going to the gym, became an all-or-nothing endeavor. Either I committed myself to a daily morning yoga practice, or it was worthless. Either I went to the gym 3x/week or there was no point.
In trying to look at the big picture, I lost sight of small wins.
It’s during this time, that I became the worst part of myself. I was stressed, exhausted, and had lost passion for the things I used to love. Over the past year or so, I have worked to implement small changes, that I know have benefited myself and my family. In carving out small amounts of time daily for myself, whether that is to go for a walk, do yoga, play with my kids distraction-free, or simply be by myself, I am striking a better occupational balance. In setting boundaries at work and in my personal life, I realized that the world is not going to come crumbling down if I prioritize my needs first, and I am happier as a result.
In the home, instead of trying to divide up household tasks and responsibilities “equally” based on time commitment or level of difficulty, what if we divided up tasks based on each person’s skills and interests? There is no perfect formula for this, of course, as someone will always have to clean the toilets, but maybe in leaning into our strengths, we all feel more successful and happier? I find that taking care of smaller household tasks in a few free moments I have here-and-there really adds up when checking off the endless to-do list of chores. As an occupational therapist with many years of experience in pediatrics, promoting independence in my children is tremendously important to me, so I’m always finding ways to involve them in doing their part around the house.
This Mother’s Day, I hope that everyone reading this post is able to take a few minutes to do something that brings you calm, joy, energy, or all of the above. I have no real advice or wisdom to share, except to say that finding ways to align the scales within yourself and within your home is not out of reach but does require intention. I hope that sharing my story inspires you to reflect on the importance of balance within your life.